Eldest Child Syndrome - Are You One? Or Do You Know Of One?

Have you ever been in a situation where you begin to wonder whether other people’s expectations of you exceed your ability or willingness to deliver? Of course you have! Silly question – unless you’re one of those super-humans who knows how to say ‘No!’ But that’s another issue, for another day.

BIRTH ORDER AND SELF

Thing is, there’s a limit to what you can do, isn’t there? I’m one of the sandwich generation – more of that, too, on another day – so I have both young grandchildren for whom I care twice a week whilst my daughter teaches, and parents with various health issues, who require a degree of support. In addition, I job-share with my husband – that’s how we make our living – and I write. Well, you know that already!

When I went down with my Female Flu ten days ago, I managed to keep most of the balls in the air, but some simply had to be dropped. Not exactly dropped, but temporarily suspended in that other arrangements had to be made for the twins. We’re in the middle of one of the busiest times of year in the business that employs us and, as we work from home, there’s simply no one else to take over. If we don’t do the job, it doesn’t get done.

So when I found myself expected to take on another family commitment at the weekend when I might have given myself some time to recharge my batteries, I wasn’t exactly delighted. I know some people know how to say no without saying no. I’m simply not one of them. Besides, I’m in that unenviable position of being a firstborn child.

SIBLING POSITION

Now I know there are those who passionately believe in first child syndrome and others who feel there’s nothing in it. Advocates identify the following traits in the eldest child in a family, they are:

1. High achievers
2. Good leaders
3. Conscientious
4. Self-sufficient
5. Perfectionists
6. Eager to please
7. Have high expectations of themselves
8. Feel responsible for the welfare and harmony of the family
9. Low self-esteem (because they can’t live up to expectations)
10. Sensitive
11. In need of constant assurance

PEOPLE PLEASER?

Do you – if you are a firstborn child – adhere to those characteristics? Do you, for instance, have a people pleaser personality? Are you in constant need of assurance that you’re fulfilling what’s expected of you?

To my mind, there are arguments for and against. The gap between sibs must play a part, surely? If the eldest is at school, or has left home before the next one arrives, what then? And what if there’s a different combination of genders? Say a girl followed by several boys. Or vice versa: a couple of girls followed by a single boy? I can’t believe that the same principles hold for all scenarios. Or perhaps they do?

HIGH ACHIEVER?

Personally, I never achieved great things academically, but that may be because my parents moved to different parts of the country at crucial times in my schooling. Having to uproot mid-eleven plus meant I had to sit the exam twice because we were in a different LEA (Local Education Authority). This scenario was repeated shortly before I was to take my GCE’s, with the added problem that I was thrust, for the first time in my life, into a mixed-gender school. If a girl’s head could be turned from study by all those boys, then I was that girl!

RESPONSIBLE

As for the other attributes, I have certainly never had any desire to be a leader of anything whatever! Too much like hard work. No, not really :). But my interests and pursuits are those of an introvert. I’ve said it before: though I love my friends dearly, my energies are sapped by too much people-contact. I could, however, be described as self-sufficient, am conscientious, a perfectionist and have high expectations of myself – especially when it comes to feeling responsible for the welfare and harmony of my family. The sticking plaster mentality is probably true of many women. For me it’s – well – sort of stuck into my personality. If someone’s hurt or in need, I suppose I see myself as the one who has to tend and cover the wound!

Which is why I find it so difficult to say no and mean no. It doesn’t live up to people’s expectations of me, you see. Nor, of course, my own. My parents told me – on the one occasion I tried to stick out for something I believed in that went right against what they were asking of me – that my acquiescence was always taken as read. They had simply never expected me to oppose them and were shocked and hurt that I should do so. You see how difficult it is? My lack of support for that project has cost me dear. Years of being branded ‘difficult’ and ‘hostile’ whenever the subject is raised. It hasn’t meant that I’ve caved in. But neither has it changed my personality by making me either more or less likely to do the same again.

It makes you wonder if there really is any truth in this matter of birth order. How about you? Do you believe in all this stuff? Have you a story to tell that bears it out? Share it with us all, and help to enlarge the pool of knowledge.

Next time, I’m going to have a look at that all important matter of learning to say no – and mean it.

Related articles:

Birth Order: Middle Child and

Youngest Child In The Family: Paragon Or Pain?